The Lion King II: Simba's Pride 15th Anniversary Parody
by WTF123
Summary: For the 15 year anniversary of the Lion King II: Simba's Pride, I present to you this hilarious parody of it. Simba has a Pokemon card stash, Zira has a chipmunk voice, and Timon and Pumbaa teach Kiara how to play XBox. It was written out of love for the film, and I hope you enjoy it. WARNING: Contains bad language, suggestive situations and a bit of randomness.


**To celebrate the 15th anniversary of The Lion King II: Simba's Pride, I present to you this parody I wrote of it. Now let me just say that I love Simba's Pride, it's one of my favorite movies of all time, it's a fantastic sequel to Disney's greatest accomplishment, and this parody is written out of love for it. If at any point here it looks like I'm insulting or criticizing the movie, I'm not. This is strictly for fun and laughs.**

**Also, I do not own the rights to this film. the Lion King II belongs to Walt Disney, and this is strictly for fun. Enjoy!**

* * *

_**The Lion King II: Simba's Pride Parody**_

_The sun rises. Animals gather at Pride Rock early in the morning. Simba and Nala walk out to the edge of Pride Rock._

SIMBA  
Okay, who wants to see my only infant cub get held over the edge of this giant cliff?

_The animals cheer._

SIMBA  
Alright, you know what to do, crazy monkey!

_Rafiki appears, carrying an infant cub, Kiara. He holds her up into the air._

KIARA (In her thoughts)  
Oh yeah, this is real safe. No way this setup can go wrong at all... holy crap, what's he doing up there?!

_She sees Mufasa's spirit in the sky._

MUFASA  
Just be lucky you ain't up here, princess.

_Rafiki puts Kiara down. Simba and Nala nuzzle her while Timon and Pumbaa watch nearby._

TIMON  
Hey, you know? It's kind of weird how all of the animals come all this way in the morning just to see their most feared predator get hung off of a cliff.

PUMBAA  
It's not like they've got anything better to do, Timon.

TIMON  
Oh, I can think of a few things they'd rather be doing...

_He jumps off of Pumbaa's back._

TIMON  
Whatever. Come on, little guy, it's never too early to learn how to play Grand Theft Auto.

RAFIKI  
Actually, dis is a girl.

TIMON  
Whatever, I'll take what I can get.

RAFIKI  
And I uh, kind of gave your XBox de red ring of death yesterday.

TIMON  
So what? I'll-

TIMON AND PUMBAA (Together)  
WHAT?!

_They pass out. Scene fades out. Scene fades to Pride Rock a while later, where Kiara is a bit older. She runs out of the cave but is stopped by Simba._

SIMBA  
Whoa, where do you think you're going?

KIARA (Sarcastically)  
I'm going to simply walk into Mordor, where does it look like, dad?

SIMBA  
Geeze, looks like someone's been hanging with Timon and Pumbaa lately.

SIMBA (In his thoughts)  
I knew I shouldn't've let them get another XBox.

SIMBA (Continued)  
Just don't get hurt out there, Kiara, it's gonna make me look really bad if you do.

KIARA  
Sure, dad.

_Kiara runs off._

SIMBA (Calling to her)  
And if you find Disney's frozen head, bring it straight back here so we can sell it on the internet!

NALA (To Simba)  
Hey Simba... she's gonna be gone for a while.

SIMBA (Confused)  
What?... so?

NALA (Seductively)  
So... that means we'll be alone for a while.

SIMBA  
I still don't see what-

_Nala pins him to the ground._

SIMBA  
Oh, okay now I see what you're drivin' at.

_Scene cuts back to Kiara. She walks out through the Pride Lands and into the Outland borders. She knocks into Kovu. They get up, and Kovu looks pissed._

KOVU  
Hey, watch where you're going, lady!

KIARA  
Why don't you watch where you're going! What're you even doing?

KOVU  
Simple! I'm... uh... doesn't matter! What're you doing here?

KIARA  
Just looking around, I guess.

KOVU  
You from Pride Rock?

KIARA (Suspicious, suspecting something)  
Yeah... why?

KOVU (Setting up something, holding back laughter)  
What's it like there?

KIARA  
Well... it's pretty big.

KOVU (Bursting out with laughter)  
T-that's what she said!

_Kovu begins laughing like crazy. Kiara groans and sighs as he rolls around on the ground. Goes on for a minute._

KOVU  
Okay, okay seriously, I'm good now, you're cool.

KIARA  
Guess I set myself up for that one...

KOVU  
Anyway, my name's Kovu.

KIARA  
I'm Kiara... your pretty cute.

KOVU  
Thanks.

KOVU (In his thoughts)  
Yes! She thinks I'm cute! Virginity, SO gone!

_Suddenly, Simba and the other Pride Landers run in and Simba roars, looking really pissed. Zira then runs in and does the same. She has a high pitched chipmunk voice._

SIMBA  
Zira...

ZIRA  
Simba...

SIMBA  
Do you have ANY idea how close I was to finishing with Nala? Seriously, you DO NOT do this when I'm that close!

ZIRA  
Like I give a crap, Simba. Simba, meet Kovu. He is Scar's heir, and HE will be king!

TIMON  
Didn't we go through this already?

ZIRA  
You don't have any idea how much I'd gladly have you within my bloody paws' grasp, Simba...

_There is a long, awkward pause._

SIMBA  
Are... are you coming on to me?

ZIRA  
I WILL F-CKING MURDER YOU!

_Zira roars angrily. Simba picks up Kiara, and Zira picks up Kovu._

ZIRA  
Fine, I'm outta here. And Simba... go finish with Nala. It could be the last time you do so...

KIARA  
Daddy, what does she mean by that?

SIMBA  
Kiara, we need to have a talk...

_Simba and Kiara go back to the Pride Lands. Zira and Kovu head back into the Outlands. Zira sees Nuka playing Call of Duty 4 on his Playstation, and Vitani is screaming and scratching at him for a turn. Zira groans._

ZIRA (Mumbling under her breath)  
I knew I should've gotten rid of that thing when Scar told me to.

_She puts Kovu down. Kovu looks scared._

KOVU  
Uh mother, before you say anything, I definitely wasn't thinking about losing my virginity back there. Totally not...

ZIRA (Exploding)  
I should kill you now you little prick!

KOVU  
Harsh, aren't we?

_ZIRA  
_Who has made us outsiders?!

KOVU  
Simba...

ZIRA  
Who killed Scar?!

KOVU  
The hyenas?

ZIRA (Exploding again)  
Bullsh-t! Simba killed him!

KOVU (Mumbling)  
God, you have NOT seen the first movie lately, have you?

ZIRA  
WHAT?

KOVU  
Uh, nothing!

ZIRA  
That's what I thought. Now, let's... wait... I've got it!

KOVU  
Oh God...

_Zira grabs Kovu by the tail._

ZIRA  
I know exactly what to do now!

KOVU  
Could you let go of my tail? It's, uh, kind of creepy.

_She picks Kovu back up and heads for the termite mound, their home. She stops and looks over at Nuka._

ZIRA  
Nuka! For God sakes, get off that thing now! Look at you, Vitani's already ripped you up trying to get it from you!

_Nuka is on his side, lying down, twitching, barely holding his PS3 controller, covered in scratch marks. Vitani is foaming at the mouth towards him, looking downright insane._

NUKA (weakly)  
You... don't have to... tell me twice...

_Zira rolls her eyes and goes inside the termite mound. She drops Kovu on a dead tree stump and other Outlander lionesses surround him._

ZIRA  
Go to sleep, Kovu. Tomorrow, your abu- I mean training intensifies...

KOVU (To himself)  
Well, it was nice knowing ya, normal childhood.

_Zira starts to sing the "My Lullaby" song much louder that normal. She still has the chipmunk voice._

ZIRA  
**The sound of Simba's dying gasp! His daughter squealing in my-!**

KOVU (Exploding)  
SHUT THE F-CK UP WOMAN, you JUST told me to go to sleep here!

_Scene changes to Rafiki in his tree. He is drawing Kiara and Kovu on it. All around them are drawings of rage comics._

RAFIKI  
My God, it is sad dat I still draw dis crap. I've gotta get to art school or something. What do you tink, Mufasa?

_The wind blows, flowing stuff through the air._

RAFIKI  
Okay Mufasa, yes! I get it! I must learn to draw my bullsh-t better, I just said dat! You do not need to insult me about it.

_The wind causes a fruit to break open. Rafiki looks at the two halfs and connects them in front of his very badly done drawings of Kiara and Kovu._

RAFIKI  
What? You cannot be serious, Mufasa! Dey will never screw, it just won't happen!

_The wind blows much harder. Rafiki ignores it until he hears Mufasa's angry voice._

MUFASA  
Oh for crying out loud, just get your lazy ass up and get them to get theirs together! It's not hard!... yet...

_Mufasa snickers at that last part. Rafiki sighs._

RAFIKI  
Alright, alright, fine! I'll get them to fu-I mean get together. But remember, Mufasa- you are gonna owe me a LOT of XBox Live points after dis!

MUFASA (Sarcastically)  
Oh, sure, sure... (To himself) never gonna happen, crazy monkey.

_Scene changes to Zira and Kovu years later. Kovu is fully grown now, and Zira is admiring him._

ZIRA  
Nice... very nice...

KOVU  
Okay seriously, if you say that to me again like that, I'm calling Child Services.

ZIRA  
You're not a child anymore, retard.

KOVU (To himself)  
God dammit...

ZIRA  
Anyway... give me exposition!

KOVU  
I'm gonna trick them into thinking I left you guys, that I'm good, and when they least expect it... I'll take every single one of their Pokemon cards.

ZIRA  
Yes, and what else?

KOVU  
Then I'll kill them all.

_Zira and the other Outlanders roar ferociously. Suddenly as the scene pans upward, one of them burps obnoxiously loud._

KOVU  
Oh come on!

RANDOM LIONESS  
Sorry, kind of went overboard on the Mountain Dew this morning.

KOVU  
Oh, we have that?

ZIRA  
Just f-ck it!

_Scene changes to Kiara leaving Pride Rock for her first hunt. Simba and Nala are waiting for her._

KIARA  
Remember dad, don't pull that same crap you did last time.

SIMBA  
Kiara, I still think that lioness was coming onto you that time. There's no way anyone would put their-

_Nala clears her throat, silencing Simba. Kiara sighs._

KIARA  
Just don't have anyone follow me again, okay?

SIMBA  
Fine.

_Kiara leaves for the grasslands. Simba leans in to Timon and Pumbaa_

SIMBA  
Make sure she keeps her virginity.

TIMON  
From who?

SIMBA  
After that talk we had, she's wanted Kovu really, really badly...

TIMON AND PUMBAA (together, awkwardly)  
Oohhhh...

_Scene changes to Kiara on her hunt. She sneaks up on a pack of antelope when she accidentally flips over a rock, setting off a Justin Bieber song out of nowhere. The animals run away in fear. Timon and Pumbaa are in their way and duck as they run over them._

TIMON  
Oh I swear to God, this isn't funny Mufasa!

_They look over and see Kiara. She looks pissed._

TIMON AND PUMBAA (together)  
OH SH-T!

KIARA  
Timon, why was that last shot so close to my ass?

TIMON  
How should I know, I ain't the director here!

KIARA  
And why are you out here?

TIMON  
I uh, we, were... on... on our way to get Grand Theft Auto V! Yeah, that's it!

KIARA (excited)  
Really?

_She suddenly runs off._

KIARA (continued)  
I'll go get it for you, I've heard that game kicks ass!

_Timon and Pumbaa start to go after her._

TIMON  
No, no wait! Simba's gonna kick _my_ ass if he hears I let you get that!

_They lose her._

TIMON  
Oh I am so f-cked.

_Scene changes to Vitani and Nuka in Scar's old cave, carrying sticks in their mouths._

NUKA  
Oh yeah, great friggin' way to introduce us, writer.

VITANI  
Oh shut up.

NUKA  
I don't care, okay?

_They jump off and surround small fire pits._

NUKA (continued)  
I just don't know why we need to be here. If we're so SPECIAL, why does this story need us all of a sudden?

VITANI (Catching her stick on fire)  
Because the plot can't move until we do, now let's go!

NUKA  
Just saying...

VITANI (extremely annoyed)  
Oh my GOD, Nuka!

_Scene changes back to Kiara at the hunt. She sneaks up on some zebras until they run away._

KIARA  
Oh come on! I didn't even-!

_She sees the huge fire in the grass ahead of her._

KIARA  
Holy crap, CG fire, run!

_She runs away from the fire, but it spreads to her. Scene cuts to Pride Rock. Zazu is with Simba_

ZAZU  
Relax, Simba, it's just a teenage lioness out on her own for the first time since her childhood, what could possibly go wrong?

_Simba sees the fire_

SIMBA  
Oh sh-t!

ZAZU  
I am so fired aren't I?

SIMBA  
I'd be an idiot not to, Zazu.

_Simba and a bunch of other lionesses run off. Scene cuts back to Kiara. She leaps onto a huge rock away from the flames. She passes out and Kovu appears._

KOVU (In Darth Vader voice)  
The Force is with you, Kiara... but you are not a Jedi yet.

KIARA (weakly)  
So... f-cking... lame...

_Kovu picks her up and runs through the fire._

KOVU (To himself)  
Wow, I barely know who you are and already I'm at second base. Hell of a lucky day.

_They fall into a river and Kovu drags her out of it. She wakes up._

KIARA  
Where- where am I?

KOVU (sarcastically)  
Oh, you're in Woodsboro, where do you think you are?

KIARA  
The Pride Lands?

KOVU  
Now you're thinking.

KIARA  
Look, why'd you bring me back here? I had everything under contr- holy crap you're hot... Kovu?

_Suddenly Simba and the others appear. Simba looks pissed._

KIARA  
Father, thank God you're here! There was a fire, and-

SIMBA  
I don't give a f-ck about that! I'm here to get you away from him!

RANDOM VOICE IN BACKGROUND  
Yeah, real king-like of you, douchebag!

_Rafiki appears._

RAFIKI  
Simba, you do know dat Kovu saved her, right?

SIMBA  
You saved her? Why?

KOVU  
Why did I save her? Look at her! I can't let a sweet piece of ass like that just burn to death!

SIMBA  
What?

KOVU  
I-I mean, uh, I was just in the right place in the right time.

_Simba gives him a suspicious look._

NALA  
You do kind of owe him now, Simba.

SIMBA  
Alright, you've got one shot at this, kid. But until I say, keep it at first base with her.

KOVU (In his thoughts, sarcastic)  
Yeah, that'll happen.

_They all go back to Pride Rock._

SIMBA (Muttering to himself)  
God, I can't believe I have to do the Inspector Gadget movie after this. Really, I go from Lion King to Inspector Gadget? I'm even stupider than Ed ever was, and he couldn't even freaking talk!

_Kovu tries to go inside Pride Rock, but Simba stops him._

SIMBA  
You're not getting to her that easily.

_Kovu goes to lie down beside a rock. Kiara comes up to him._

KIARA  
Hey, uh, thanks for saving me back there.

KOVU  
What the hell _was_ that back there? Was that supposed to be hunting?

KIARA  
No, I was on my way to get Grand Theft Auto V until the fire happened.

KOVU  
GTA V? Bitch, you wouldn't last three minutes on your own in that.

KIARA  
Oh, and I suppose _you_ could teach me?

KOVU

Yeah, right.

KIARA  
Alright, impress me. I've got Timon and Pumbaa's XBox...

TIMON (From inside the cave)  
I resent that!

KIARA (Continued)  
...Show me at dawn.

KOVU (Humorously)  
I look forward to it.

_Scene cuts down to Zira and Nuka sitting side by side, looking up at Pride Rock._

NUKA  
W-w- did you see that? He didn't even try to get to second base! If that were me, I'd-

ZIRA  
Shut up! He's in, that's all that matters. Soon, he'll be able to make his move, steal their Pokemon cards, and kill them all. Wait a second... I know that tree behind you.

NUKA  
Uh mother, are... are you okay?

ZIRA  
I hate that tree behind you! That tree needs to die! NOW!

_Nuka ducks as she slashes the dead tree behind him. Scene cuts to Simba dreaming of something. He is twitching in his sleep, and he wakes up abruptly._

SIMBA  
No! I will never sleep with you Vitani, no matter how hot you are!

_He looks around for a moment, catching his breath and sighs in relief._

SIMBA  
Thank God nobody heard me say that.

_Nala opens one of her eyes as Simba goes back to sleep._

NALA  
You are so dead, Simba...

_Scene changes to the next day. Kovu and Kiara are in a field. Kiara leaps over Kovu, and she hits the ground. Kovu looks at her._

KOVU  
Yeah, this hunting thing's gonna need some work.

KIARA  
Why are we out here again? I thought you said you'd show me how to play GTA V?

KOVU (seductively)  
Oh don't worry, we're getting to that. Besides, I saw Timon just discovered Portal, he won't get off that thing to save his life now.

KIARA  
True.

_Kiara gets up and starts clawing the ground. Kovu does the same. They both have nervous looks on their faces._

KIARA (In her thoughts)  
Oh my God, I don't know how much longer I can listen to that voice and not have him doing me!

KOVU (In his thoughts)  
Man, she is _so_ hot. Must... resist... urges...

_They see some birds fly overhead._

KOVU  
Alright, you want to see me go murder some innocent birds or what?

KIARA (In her thoughts)  
How the _f-ck_ is this guy single?!

_Kovu leaps over a hill to attack the birds, but lands right in front of Timon._

TIMON (Frantically)  
Ahhhhhh! This is it, goodbye cruel world! My only regret is that I never told Pumbaa I loved him! Oh the irony, oh, the-!

_Timon stops as he realizes he's not dead. He looks up at Kovu timidly._

TIMON  
Uh... I just said that out loud, didn't I?

_Kiara comes in._

KIARA  
Timon, I really could've happily lived the rest of my life without hearing that.

KOVU  
I second that.

_There is an awkward pause._

TIMON  
We never speak of this again. Understood?

_Kiara and Kovu exchange glances._

KOVU (Whispering into Kiara's ear)  
Now I know what to put on my Facebook later on.

TIMON  
I'll... take that as a yes.

_He gets back up._

TIMON  
Anyway, you guys wanna go piss off some rhinos? They're saying that they can kill anything, and I'm willing to call bullsh-t on that!

KOVU  
Sure.

KIARA  
Haven't got anything better to do.

KIARA (Continued, in her thoughts)  
Except Kovu...

_Timon looks at Pumbaa. He's covered in birds. Timon looks indifferent at him._

TIMON  
Pumbaa?

PUMBAA  
Yeah?

TIMON  
I'm goona ask you a really, really simple and down to earth question here. Let's see, how can I put this so you can understand? Let's see, umm... oh yeah... *tisk* what the hell are you doing with those birds?

PUMBAA  
They won't leave me alone.

TIMON  
Figures.

KIARA  
Here, I got it.

_She roars loudly, scaring away the birds._

TIMON  
Yeah, that's it! Go on, get out of here ya' little bastards!

_They all start to run towards the rhinos. Kiara and Kovu run side by side._

KOVU  
I just want you to know that your roar hugely turns me on.

KIARA  
You don't know how much I wanted to hear you say that...

_They all run to the rhinos around a corner. Suddenly, shotgun shots are heard. The four of them frantically run back._

TIMON (Scared)  
Dammit! They've got shotguns, they've got shotguns! Fall back, bail, this was all Pumbaa's idea!

KOVU  
This was your idea, Timon!

TIMON  
Piss off, ya horny lion!

KOVU  
What?

TIMON  
Nothing.

_They run into a tiny cave, and the rhinos stampede past them, still firing their shotguns everywhere, looking pissed. As Timon and Pumbaa get out of the cave, Kiara and Kovu accidentally kiss._

KOVU  
Holy crap...

KIARA  
I f-cking want you now...

_They go out of the cave. Scene changes to later that night in a field of grass. Kovu and Kiara are looking up to the stars._

KIARA  
And he actually did it?

KOVU  
Yep, the poor sucker. Had wasp stings on his ass for months.

KIARA  
Man, I would really hate to be your brother.

KOVU  
Yeah.

_Brief pause_

KIARA  
Hey look up there!

_She points to a star formation._

KIARA  
That looks like the two of us!

KOVU  
Yeah, and they're... are they?... Are we?...

KIARA (Blushing)  
Oh my God... Best. Constellation. Ever.

_She turns to Kovu._

KIARA  
Hey Kovu, real quick, who was yor real dad?

KOVU  
Why?

KIARA  
So fanboys don't have 20 pages worth of comments on the internet arguing whether or not we're related. Because there's no way in hell you can turn me on again with that crap going on in my mind.

KOVU  
Well... he wasn't Scar, I know that much. He was-

KIARA  
Good enough for me.

_Kiara nuzzles him passionately. Simba sees this from a distance._

SIMBA (To himself)  
Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!

_He looks up to the sky_

SIMBA  
Dad, please don't let them do it! Even if this was your idea, which I know it totally wasn't, please don't let them go all the way!... Man, I really am lonely if I'm talking to stars.

_Nala appears behind him._

NALA  
Simba?

SIMBA  
I was not just talking to stars! I'm not crazy, I have a life! I don't play Skyrim, I'm not insane! Please believe me, I'm not crazy!

NALA (Uneasy)  
Rrriiight... listen, about Kovu,

SIMBA  
Nala, I know what you're going to say. And you're right, I'll try to get to know Kovu tomorrow. Because look at them, if they don't start doing it right then and there, he must have _some_ restraint.

_There is a long, awkward pause. Nala looks extremely uncomfortable._

NALA  
Actually, I was going to say your stash of Pokemon cards is kind of missing. It might've been him.

SIMBA  
What?! How'd he-?

NALA  
Simba, you literally had three hundred cards piled in the back of the cave. He'd be an idiot not to see them.

SIMBA  
God dammit... JUST when I was gonna get that one lioness to trade MewTwo! Really, now of all times?

_Scene cuts back to Pride Rock. Kiara and Kovu are there._

KOVU (Whispering)  
You. Me. Out in the field. Tomorrow.

KIARA  
I'm ready for it...

_Kiara goes inside the cave, giving Kovu a seductive look. Simba comes up to Kovu._

SIMBA  
Kovu, you and I have to talk. Do you, by any chance, have an interest in Pokemon?...

_Simba and Kovu walk into the cave of Pride Rock. Vitani is watching from down below, panting happily._

VITANI  
Yeah Kovu, f-ck him!... what are you waiting for Kovu, f-ck him!... God dammit!

_She runs off to Zira. Zira looks pissed._

ZIRA  
You seriously wanted them to f-ck right then and there?!

VITANI  
Well, I _am_ a lioness. If guys can get off on two lionesses doing it, then well...

ZIRA (To herself)  
Now I know where all that disgusting fan art comes from.

VITANI  
What?

ZIRA  
Nothing.

_Scene changes to the next morning. Kovu walks out to Pride Rock's edge._

KOVU (To himself)  
What the hell was he talking about? I hate Pokemon! (Sighs) Whatever, I've got better things to do... more like hotter things... or lionesses... God I'm still talking to myself? I really _do_ need to get laid.

_He walks back into Pride Rock and moves towards Kiara, but Simba stops him._

SIMBA  
Kovu, I've got something I want to show you.

KOVU  
I swear, if it's on the internet, I know about it already... the f-cking perverts.

SIMBA  
Look who's talking.

KOVU  
I heard that.

SIMBA  
Anyway, it's not that. Just follow me.

_They walk away and start down Pride Rock. Kiara looks at them._

KIARA (In her thoughts)  
I feel your pain, Kovu... I feel your pain.

_Simba and Kovu are walking around the site of the previous fire, with burned trees everywhere._

SIMBA  
And that's why they didn't use the eagles to fly to Mordor, Kovu.

KOVU  
I've... never heard the story of Lord of the Rings like that before... the fanboys really are wrong.

SIMBA  
Yeah. Anyway, are you absolutely sure you didn't take my Pokemon cards?

KOVU  
We've been through this already, Simba. I don't even like Pokemon. Personally, I'm more of a Digimon kind of guy.

SIMBA (In his thoughts)  
He still likes Digimon? Loser.

_Simba pulls a growing plant out of the dirt._

SIMBA  
Huh, well look at that. Guess my father wasn't kidding when he said we turn to grass when we die.

_Suddenly, Zira and the Outlanders appear and surround them._

KOVU  
Oh I am so screwed.

ZIRA  
Hello there, Simba. Remember me? I'm still in this story. Yeah, thought the writers just forgot about me, didn't you? This may be a direct to video sequel, Simba, but it's the only one where crap like that doesn't happen! Just like that... other direct to video sequel you never signed on for.

SIMBA  
You swore you'd never speak of that again! Inspector Gadget was bad enough, no way in hell I was going to go any lower than that!

ZIRA  
Whatever, Gadget. Anyway, nice going in stealing his Pokemon card stash, Kovu. Just like we always planned.

SIMBA  
You!

KOVU  
No! I already told you, I hate Pokemon!

ZIRA  
Get him! Now!

_The Outlanders attack Simba. He fights, but is thrown off a cliff._

SIMBA (frantically)  
Ah! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck! F-ck!

_He lands hard at the bottom of a gorge, but gets up. The Outlanders chase him._

SIMBA  
Crap, I knew I should've stayed away from gorges like this after the stampede! Now I really _am_ dumber than Ed!

_Simba gets to a huge dam of logs holding back a river. he starts to climb it to escape._

ZIRA  
For God sakes, someone just kill him already, I've got sh-t to do here!

NUKA (Climbing up the dam)  
I'll do it!

ZIRA  
What the f-ck do you think you're doing you crack addict?!

NUKA (Sarcastically)  
Oh, I'm gonna go help him escape, what does it look like I'm trying to do mother?!

_He climbs up and reaches for Simba._

NUKA  
If killing him doesn't make the other lionesses want me, nothing will!

_Suddenly the tree he's holding on to collapses and falls back._

NUKA  
Oh what the f-ck, gravity?!

_A huge log lands on top of him, crushing his body. Zira comes up to him._

ZIRA (ALMOST sadly)  
Nuka you retard! I know that wasn't sugar you were sniffing this morning!

NUKA (weakly)  
Well... what do you expect? I'm voiced by Andy Dick.

ZIRA  
True.

NUKA (weakly)  
Rosebud.

_Nuka dies._

ZIRA  
Well... sh-t.

_Back with Simba, he is struggling to move. Kiara sees him and runs up to him._

KIARA  
Oh crap. Dad? Dad! Oh my God, you did the Twilight drinking game, didn't you? What were you thinking, that's been known to _kill_ people!

SIMBA  
Kiara... your boyfriend took my Pokemon cards.

_Timon and Pumbaa appear._

TIMON  
Aw, really? Come on, those were my cards too!

SIMBA (weakly)  
B-bullsh-t, Timon...

_He collapses. They look worried for him._

KIARA  
No...

_They carry him to Pride Rock. Timon holds the end of his tail._

PUMBAA  
Uh yeah, some help you are, Timon.

TIMON  
Pumbaa, what did I say about criticizing my laziness?

_Scene cuts back to Zira and the Outlanders. Zira is pissed._

ZIRA  
Great, just great! Now who's gonna be the comic relief for our side?

_She runs over to Kovu and slashes his face, giving him a Scar over his eye._

ZIRA  
Oh my God... you suddenly became attractive.

KOVU  
Oh what the f-ck was that for?

ZIRA  
Because you killed the only source of comic relief we had besides Timon and Pumbaa! Not to mention... that makes you kind of hot now.

KOVU (Uncomfortable)  
Uh... okay, now THAT's messed up, mother. And frankly, I'm tired of being your b-tch day in and day out! I am _outta_ here!

ZIRA  
You can't abandon me, you _are_ my b-tch!

KOVU  
Really? Cause last I checked, I'm looking at one!

_The other Outlanders do the Regular Show "Oooohhhh!" in unison._

ZIRA  
So where' you gonna go, Kovu? Back to them? The ones who killed Scar just so you can screw your girlfriend 24/7? Or maybe you'll run off and hang out with cartoon characters while they tell you not to do crack!

KOVU (Enraged)  
That... special... NEVER... HAPPENED!

_He runs off. Zira jumps onto a rock._

ZIRA

Listen up now! Okay, clearly this isn't working. We'll just have to do this the old fashioned way- we'll kill them all by force, set the birds loose, wait for one to rip my ear off and-

RANDOM LIONESS  
Wrong movie, Zira!

ZIRA  
As if I give a f-ck! We attack tonight!

_All of them roar in absolute bliss. Scene cuts back to Pride Rock. Simba is injured._

KIARA  
But he said it himself! He doesn't even like Pokemon!

_Suddenly Kovu appears a the base of Pride Rock. Simba gets up and starts to walk out to the edge._

SIMBA  
Oh look, I'm better suddenly. Looks like the pain killers really worked.

_He looks down to Kovu_

SIMBA  
Where the f-ck are my Pokemon cards?!

KOVU  
Simba, I never took-

SIMBA  
Bullsh-t!

KIARA  
Father, don't do anything to him! He and I were supposed to-

SIMBA  
Shut up! Kovu, you're officially out of here! And if I ever see you again, virgin or not, I'll make you watch every Twilight movie from start to finish!

KIARA  
No!

_Kovu reluctantly runs off. Kiara is distressed._

KIARA  
Dad, this isn't fair!

SIMBA  
Ah relax, you're just having your period.

KIARA  
What? No I'm not! I just finished the last one a week ago!

SIMBA  
Yeah, you'll be over him in a week I bet. Hakuna Matata, you know?

KIARA  
Yeah, Hakuna Matata motherf-cker!

_Simba looks shocked as Kiara runs back into Pride Rock's cave._

RANDOM LIONESS  
Shouldn't someone go and check on her or something?

SIMBA  
Nah, I'm sure she'll be fine. Besides, she's got ways of entertaining herself...

_Awkward pause._

RANDOM LIONESS  
Okay, now THAT's just f-cked up right there, Simba.

_Inside Price Rock, Kiara pushes back some rocks and breaks a hole in the back. She crawls through it._

KIARA  
Kick ass.

_She runs off past Pride Rock and into a grass field. Night is beginning to fall._

KIARA  
Kovu? Kovu come on! Simba doesn't know I'm here, we can finally do it!

_She looks down to a pond and sees half her reflection is missing._

KIARA  
What the hell? They forgot to animate half my reflection! Lazy asses...

_She walks through the grass and eventually through the site of the fire. There, she finds Kovu. The two meet up closely._

KOVU  
Kiara!

KIARA  
Oh, I am so ready for him.

_They run up to each other and go near a pond. They lay down atop one another suggestively._

KOVU  
You ready?

KIARA (Blushing)  
Hell yeah.

_Before anything can happen, they look into the water._

KOVU  
Hey, look.

_They see their reflections connected closely, forming the missing half of hers._

KIARA  
Oh, so that's why they didn't animate half my reflections.

_Kovu jumps up excitedly._

KOVU  
Well what're we waiting for? Let's do this!

_Kiara comes up to him._

KIARA  
Kovu... we have to go back.

KOVU  
What?! You're kidding. Please tell me you're kidding. Do you have any clue how turned on I am right now? Do you have a clue how ready I was for this?

_Kiara looks downwards._

KIARA  
Uh, yeah I've got an idea all right. But we need to stop anything else from happening, Kovu; so we can make peace with Simba. And besides, it's in the script, so you really don't have a choice.

KOVU (In his thoughts)  
F-ck, I knew I should've signed onto American Pie instead of this. Getting laid in a Disney movie, what the _hell_ was I thinking?

_Scene changes to Pride Rock. It is raining outside, and Simba comes in. Timon and Pumbaa are fighting._

SIMBA  
Okay, what're you two getting into a bitch-fest about this time?

TIMON  
Pumbaa's trying to tell me that Greedo's the one who shot first!

PUMBAA  
Well it's true!

TIMON  
Bullsh-t, you crazy warthog! Han Shot First! Say it, say it!

SIMBA  
So where's Kiara?

_There is a long, awkward pause while Timon and Pumbaa end their argument._

TIMON  
Oh f-ck.

SIMBA  
She's gone, isn't she?

PUMBAA  
Yeah, I wouldn't expect her to be a virgin when she gets back.

SIMBA (Moderately annoyed)  
Why did I see this coming?

_Suddenly, Zazu flies in._

SIMBA  
Hey, didn't I fire you?

ZAZU  
Simba! I just got urgent news! They really ARE doing a Transformers 4! They're really going through with it, dear God! Oh, and a bunch of lionesses are coming to kill you.

_Simba sighs._

SIMBA  
Oh to hell with this, find Kiara. I'll deal with this bullcrap myself.

_He starts to run out of the cave._

SIMBA  
Oh, and if they're in the middle of anything, do NOT be afraid to get them to stop! And by the way guys, Han did shoot first!

_There is an awkward silence between Timon and Pumbaa._

TIMON  
I-

PUMBAA (holding up his hoof)  
Don't... just don't.

_There is another pause._

PUMBAA  
Do ya... do ya think we should go help him or something?

TIMON (Casually)  
Nah, Simba's screwed, we're all gonna die.

_He stretches himself out and yawns._

TIMON (Casually)  
Well, guess I'm just gonna go up to the top of this place, pop a couple beers and watch the world burn.

PUMBAA (Unimpressed)  
Seriously?

TIMON (Popping open a beer)  
Hakuna Matata, Pumbaa.

_Scene changes to the two prides- the Pride Landers and the Outlanders facing each other in the rain, ready to fight._

ZIRA  
Who do I have to f-ck to tell you that I've had enough of this crap, Simba?

_A random lioness starts to raise her paw, but quickly puts it down after Zira growls at her._

SIMBA  
I'm no pu-ie, Zira. You gonna fight or what?

ZIRA  
Yes, but first we're gonna need some good epic music for this part!

SIMBA  
Yeah, good point.

ZIRA  
Editor, what've you got?

_"The End of All Things" from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King begins to play. But Zira quickly stops it._

ZIRA  
No no no! We're not at a freaking volcano here, do something else!

_The Saw theme starts to play. This time Simba stops it._

SIMBA  
Oh come on, that's not even battle music!

_The song "Never Gonna Give You Up" starts playing. Everyone there begins screaming in agony and cover their ears tightly._

ZIRA  
Ah, no! No! Anything but that! Even I wouldn't go this far!

_Then the Mortal Kombat theme starts to play. Zira smiles evilly now._

ZIRA  
Yeah! Now we're talking, now sh-t just got real! Attack!

_The two prides attack one another furiously. The MK theme still plays while they fight. This goes on for a minute. Zira goes up to Simba._

ZIRA  
Yiou're dead, Simba! Even more dead than when you said "That's a lot of fish"!

SIMBA  
Oh, that's it! Now you're f-cked!

_They're about to strike one another, but suddenly Kiara and Kovu jump in between them. The Mortal Kombat music stops._

SIMBA  
Kiara?

ZIRA  
Kovu!

SIMBA  
I told you to stay out of this!

KIARA  
No you didn't, you just told me I'm having my period, which I'm not!

SIMBA  
Ah, yeah, about that...

ZIRA  
Kovu, get out of my way! I must end this horrid excuse for a sequel!

KOVU  
Don't you dare insult this movie, Zira! This has a soul compared to others. Hell, even on its own!

ZIRA  
Bullsh-t!

SIMBA  
Kiara, you know this is just going straight to video.

KIARA  
Why should you give a f-ck about that? This has actual effort put into it, dad.

SIMBA  
But... they-

KIARA  
Theatrical? Direct to video? Who cares as long as the movie is good? Look at the first movie and this one... what differences in animation do you see?

_Slowly, Simba and some of the other start to see and accept this. Except Zira, of course._

ZIRA  
Vitani, now!

VITANI  
No, mother!

_She walks over to the Pride Landers and sides with Kovu. The rain slowly stops._

VITANI  
Kiara's right. It doesn't matter if this is straight to video... it's still awesome. This and the original? We are one.

ZIRA  
If YOU will believe this bullsh-t, then YOU will be forced to watch Twilight as well!

_The Outlanders look disgusted and leave her, joining the Pride Landers._

ZIRA  
What? Where the hell do you think you're going? Do you have any idea how badly I busted my ass just trying to understand the script?

SIMBA  
Let it go, Zira. Accept it- this is a great sequel.

ZIRA  
I'll NEVER accept it! Disney just wants money, I know it!

_She lurches forward to attack, but Kiara stops her. The two of them fall off of a cliff, and they both grab hold of it. Zira starts to slide down. Kiara regains her footing on a lower level. She reaches down for Zira._

KIARA  
Zira, give me your paw! I feel the good in you!

ZIRA  
You're not a f-cking Jedi!

KIARA  
I'll help you.

_Zira looks at her evily._

ZIRA  
Hakuna Matata, motherf-cker.

_She slides off and falls into the fast stream of water. She dies. Simba comes to Kiara._

KIARA  
Dad... they really do love to kill us with cliffs, don't they?

SIMBA  
Don't worry about it, she wasn't worth sh-t anyway.

KIARA  
Don't you think that's kind of harsh?

SIMBA  
Kiara, have you SEEN her DeviantArt profile?

_Kiara remembers how many disturbingly suggestive poses of Scar Zira drew._

KIARA  
... good point.

_They climb back over the cliff's edge. Kiara and Kovu get back together again._

KIARA  
Kovu, I'm so ready for you, it's not even funny,

KOVU  
When we get back... my God the things I'm gonna do to you...

SIMBA  
Kovu?

KOVU (In his thoughts)  
Oh f-ck, he's not done giving me crap about this, is he? The narrow minded son of a-

SIMBA  
I was wrong. Turns out Nala got rid of my cards because she hates Pokemon too. And... she kind of heard that thing I said about Vitani being hot.

KOVU (In his thoughts)  
Thank... God...

VITANI  
Wait, you said _what_ about me?!

SIMBA  
Alright, let's get out of this sh-t hole before these two start porking on the ground.

_Scene changes to Pride Rock early in the morning, days later. Kiara and Kovu are now married._

SIMBA (In his thoughts)  
I don't even need to give him crap anymore. When they have cubs, they'll do it for me. Poor suckers. They have no idea what they're in for...

_Timon and Pumbaa appear. Timon is holding an empty beer can, drunk as hell, barely able to stand._

TIMON (Drunk, slurred speech)  
Hey, wazzup everubuda? Howwya...? I... I juss luv ya allzes, yous knows thus? Less juss party! Yeah, partay!

SIMBA  
He's wasted, isn't he?

PUMBAA (Whispering)  
I don't even think he knows your alive.

_Simba sighs. He, Nala, Kiara, and Kovu walk out to Pride Rock's edge. Simba roars loudly._

SIMBA  
Beat that, bitch.

_Kovu roars louder than Simba did. Kiara gives Kovu a seductive and suggestive look. Then all four of them roar off the edge. The animals around the place cheer. __Simba looks up to the sky and hears Mufasa's spirit._

MUFASA  
Well done, my son. You made a direct to video sequel not suck.

_Rafiki looks up to the sky._

RAFIKI  
You now owe me a lot XBox Live points, Mufasa.

MUFASA  
God dammit...

_The scene zooms out._

KIARA  
So Kovu, how many cubs do you want?

KOVU (timid)  
C-cubs? Cubs? Wait, hold on a second, no one told me about cubs! No wait, don't roll the credits! This wasn't in my contract, this wasn't in the script! No come on!... awww. motherfu-!

_**THE END**_


End file.
